Based on a true story. Actually, based on an exact conversation I had with my boyfriend one winter evening.
Characters:
A man, we'll call him Dirk
Dirk's girlfriend, we’ll call her Mandy
Setting:
A residential living room in Anytown, America. Late evening.
Scene:
Dirk and Mandy lounge in the living room, a fire ablaze in the fireplace adjacent to a beautifully lit tree. Mandy is tuned into a popular reality TV show. Dirk gazes around the room, imagining the couple’s future.
Dirk:
Just imagine what it will be like on Christmas Eve when we have kids; You and I will be up after the kids go to sleep and they’ll try to sneak into the living room to see if Santa’s come yet and to peek at their presents. I’ll have to yell at them and be like, “You better go lay down and go to sleep or Santa will put pepper in your eyes!!”
Alarmed at his statement, Mandy cuts Dirk a worried and disapproving glare.
Mandy (stuttering):
Who…what..what kind of person would ever tell a child that Santa is going to put pepper in their eyes?? What’s wrong with you?? That is not okay!
Dirk finds humor in the situation and begins to laugh. Mandy remains unamused.
Dirk:
What do you mean? That’s what my mom used to tell me when I tried to
peek at my presents before Christmas morning. She always told me that.
Mandy:
Wow. I feel really sorry for you. You must have had an awful childhood… And,
you must have been terrified of Santa! No Santa of mine would ever put pepper
in anyone’s eyes! You poor child…
Dirk (slightly offended):
No, I wasn’t terrified of Santa, I just knew better than to leave my room to try to
peek at my presents.
Mandy:
Well I knew just as well not to peek and all my parents had to tell me was that if I didn’t stay in bed, Santa wouldn’t come. Jeez, what kind of parent tells their kid Santa is going to put pepper in their eyes??!! I’m calling your mom…this is really disturbing, and I really can’t believe she would tell you such a thing.
Cut to: Mandy hangs up the phone after talking with Dirk’s mom for only 2 minutes. She feels no relief after the conversation.
Mandy:
She didn’t even deny it. She actually said that her parents told her the same thing
when she was a little girl. I can’t believe it.
Dirk:
See, it’s just a family thing… a tradition of sorts.
Mandy:
Well the tradition is coming to a halt with this generation. I will not allow you to
tell our children that Santa might put pepper in their eyes. Would Jesus ever
put pepper in your eyes? I don’t think so.
Dirk:
Santa is not Jesus, he’s completely different.
Mandy:
It doesn’t matter; the same principles apply. And what about the Toothfairy? Does she sprinkle salt in your eyes if you stay up all night waiting for her to come? What about the Easter Bunny…what does he do to you?
Dirk:
The same principles don’t apply. And I didn’t believe in the Easter Bunny; I just never could buy into the fact that there was a giant Rabbit hopping around hiding Easter Eggs.
Mandy:
Oh, but you had no problem believing that Santa- Jolly ol’ Saint Nicholas- the
sweetest, kindest, gentlest man in the whole world who never fails to bring the grandest of all presents and coolest of all stocking stuffers, even to kids who are undoubtedly on the naughty list and deserve nothing but a sack of ashes or a lump coal, would actually put pepper in your eyes???!! That’s absurd!
Dirk:
I don’t care what you say, my kids are going to believe that Santa WILL put
pepper in their eyes if they try to look at their presents.
Mandy:
I want to break up.
