I returned from lunch (not from the "cafe") with a smile on my face and an eagerness to prove myself worthy of my new salary to my new boss. Approaching the elevators in the lobby, I noticed a girl, a little older than myself, talking on her cell phone and walking in my direction. The elevator doors opened and I jumped on, waiting a few seconds for the girl to join me. Just as she crossed the elevator's threshold, and clearly a moment too soon, I pressed the button for my floor and the doors slammed shut on her. Literally, on her. Hard. Confused as to how any elevator could behave in such a manner, I gave it a bewildered look as if to say, simply, "why?" Not seeming to care, "why?" the girl pushed back on the doors like a bully on a nerd in gym class with a "WTF" attitude.
Before I could muster an apology, the girl spit out a true, "what the f*#K was that, b*tch??!!!! For a second I thought she might be referring to the previous caller on her cell phone, because she flipped it open with an angry look on her face, and I wondered, nerd-like, "who talks like that in a professional building?" When I didn't retort, she locked eyes on me and sprayed, "Answer me b*tch! That was f*@#in sh*tty of you!"
Normally I would have no problem holding my own, but this chick appeared to be the kind that might knee me in the groin, put me in a choke-hold, spit a loogie in my face and leave me moaning in agony for the next elevator rider to clean up. Instead, I did what any normal human being would do in this situation; I feigned being deaf, and pointing to my ears, replied (in the deepest tone I could muster), "Ah sahey. Ah tahnt heaw ooo." (Translation: I'm sorry. I can't hear you.)
It seemed to work in my favor, because the girl loosened her clenched fist, rolled her eyes and muttered, "Wow, this b*tch is deaf,"
As I reached my floor and the doors opened, I shot her a smile and a quick goodbye wave and ran down the hall to my office, thankful to be untouched and with excellent hearing.
