Sometimes it's better to take the stairs...

I started a new job about a week ago and have had little to no time getting to know my way around our building.  So far I've learned that parking can be found only on the basement floor of the garage (possibly because other companies have "get to work on time" type rules or possibly because they live there).  I've also learned that the "cafe" consists of under priced items such as the Chicken Fried Rice Plate, which comes with a pound of chicken fried rice, 2 sides and an egg roll for just $3.50. "Cash only, please."  What I hadn't learned about until today, is the volatility of our building's elevator doors.

I returned from lunch (not from the "cafe") with a smile on my face and an eagerness to prove myself worthy of my new salary to my new boss.  Approaching the elevators in the lobby, I noticed a girl, a little older than myself, talking on her cell phone and walking in my direction.  The elevator doors opened and I jumped on, waiting a few seconds for the girl to join me.  Just as she crossed the elevator's threshold, and clearly a moment too soon, I pressed the button for my floor and the doors slammed shut on her.  Literally, on her.  Hard.  Confused as to how any elevator could behave in such a manner, I gave it a bewildered look as if to say, simply, "why?"  Not seeming to care, "why?" the girl pushed back on the doors like a bully on a nerd in gym class with a "WTF" attitude.

Before I could muster an apology, the girl spit out a true, "what the f*#K was that, b*tch??!!!!  For a second I thought she might be referring to the previous caller on her cell phone, because she flipped it open with an angry look on her face, and I wondered, nerd-like, "who talks like that in a professional building?" When I didn't retort, she locked eyes on me and sprayed, "Answer me b*tch!  That was f*@#in sh*tty of you!"

Normally I would have no problem holding my own, but this chick appeared to be the kind that might knee me in the groin, put me in a choke-hold, spit a loogie in my face and leave me moaning in agony for the next elevator rider to clean up.  Instead, I did what any normal human being would do in this situation; I feigned being deaf, and pointing to my ears, replied (in the deepest tone I could muster), "Ah sahey. Ah tahnt heaw ooo." (Translation: I'm sorry.  I can't hear you.)

It seemed to work in my favor, because the girl loosened her clenched fist, rolled her eyes and muttered, "Wow, this b*tch is deaf,"

As I reached my floor and the doors opened, I shot her a smile and a quick goodbye wave and ran down the hall to my office, thankful to be untouched and with excellent hearing.